January 8, 2024

Risk and vulnerability still make me so deeply uncomfortable. Something I’ve been making peace with this year so far is that in order for me to grow and move forward and achieve the things I want to achieve, I need to embrace risk.

As with so many things though, I want to be intentional about it. I don’t want to do risky things because I am not thinking, but because I’ve carefully decided that that is what is necessary to move forward. Is that itself not an attempt at more control though? In my embracing of risk, am I not just trying to control and intention it out of actual existence? I think I may be falling, as I so often do, into some black and white thinking.

I am tired. I’m tired of being scared. How can I take risks and be vulnerable without being painfully scared? Is that even possible? And if it is, is it even something desirable? Is the discomfort of risk and vulnerability a necessary part of the experience?

One of my biggest worries always is financial, especially with not having worked for so long to focus on my health. I am proud of and stand behind that decision, but a fear going forward is my anxieties around work. Between people pleasing and perfectionism, work is a huge source of anxiety for me as I feel incredibly vulnerable and try to engineer any sort of vulnerability or place where people could disapprove of me out of existence. Stress inevitably leads to an RA flair up and I’m not sure how to work without being incredibly stressed.

I want to return to some sort of work, for an income and the structure it provides me, but I am worried about slipping back into the same mental behaviors that are at least partially responsible for the physical pain that I’ve been in the past few years.

Vulnerability and trust are deeply linked and it is a bit of a chicken and an egg situation. Dr. Brown often mentions how people will ask her how they are ever supposed to be vulnerable if they don’t know if they can trust someone, but she points out that trust is built thru vulnerability.

I think I am currently lacking some self trust in my ability to manage my stressors and change my patterns. I know I’m really self reflective and journaling is really helpful for that, but there are certain things that you just aren’t able to think your way out of or around. You just have to do them and learn and then put what you’ve learned into practice. Because these patterns of anxiety and people pleasing have been so consistent in my life, despite me knowing they are a problem for such a long time, I think I’m having trouble trusting that I am able to change them, which is both very understandable, but also doesn’t match my actual experience.

I have changed so much in my life. Whatever I work on, I get better and I get better quickly. I have so much support around me and so many people who want to help me. It is vulnerable to ask for help, but it is actually not risky.

I talk a lot about trust and encourage those around me to trust in the network and the community we have built together, but I don’t actually live that trust. I want to do more to connect the things I know intellectually with the way I experience my world emotionally.

I am okay. There is no problem I can’t solve with the help of those that love me.

Risk is scariest because of the potential bad outcomes, but I need to remember that I have always been caught. I’ve spent a lot of time and effort weaving a support system and a net that is there to catch me and the people I care about. I may risk emotional exposure and discomfort, but I do not risk isolation or despair.