January 7, 2024

Hello friends,

I mentioned yesterday that whether or not sharing our goals will help us achieve them greatly depends on the people with whom we share them.

Humans are social creatures and our networks strongly effect our emotions and our behaviors. According to a longitudinal analysis over 20 years in the Framingham Heart Study, the happiness of our community, both in terms of who we feel closest to and who we are physically most proximate to, affects our personal happiness. “Longitudinal statistical models suggest that clusters of happiness result from the spread of happiness and not just a tendency for people to associate with similar individuals.” The longitudinal analysis also found that “happy people tend to be located in the centre of their local social networks and in large clusters of other happy people,” and they point to the influence extending to about three degrees of separation. This pattern also holds true for harmful or negative behaviors, including obesity and smoking (findings from the same authors as the longitudinal analysis about happiness also using data from the Framingham Heart Study).

The influence that other people have on us can make us feel like real change is beyond our control, but ultimately we have a lot of agency and control. This agency extends beyond who we allow to influence us, but also how we show up in the lives of those who are important to us. My health and wellbeing directly impacts those I care about. As a (I’d like to say recovering, but let’s be real) people pleaser, it can sometimes be hard for me to motivate myself by how my choices will impact me, but understanding the role and impact of my choices reminds me that healthy boundaries are not just something I do for myself, but something I do for the wellbeing of my community.

A 2020 study from Ohio State University published in the Journal of Applied Psychology found that in order for sharing our goals to affectively help us achieve them, we have to perceive the person we share our goals with as higher status than us, or at least not as lower status than us. (The experiment compared the effectiveness of sharing goals with someone participants rated as higher status than themselves and as lower status than themselves, but not with anyone they rated as a peer.) In an interview about the study, Dr. Howard Klein, the lead author of the study said that “in most cases you get more benefit from sharing your goal than if you don't -- as long as you share it with someone whose opinion you value.” He goes on to say, "You want to be dedicated and unwilling to give up on your goal, which is more likely when you share that goal with someone you look up to."

I think it is not only important to be mindful of who we let influence us and who we influence, but also to reflect on what we admire and value about the people that are in our lives. While I’m not saying you should see the people you chose to share your goals with as higher status than you, it might be useful to be clear on how and why their opinions matter to you.

Take 5-15 minutes and write about

Who are the 5 people you spend the most time with?

List 3 things you admire about each. How could you strengthen each relationship?

As I was writing my reflection, I was actually a little surprised to see how who I spent the most time with has changed over the last year. The biggest factor in that change was moving from the north end of Lake Shore Drive in Chicago to the south end. It is wild how much proximity affects who you spend time with. I also realized in writing my reflection that the move has left me feeling a little isolated. Before now, I lived in a building where close friends lived in three of the other units. I feel very lucky to share a house with four people that I love dearly and admire greatly, but I miss the proximity of our wider network. I think another goal for this year will be to get better integrated in this neighborhood as well as continue cultivating intentional time to nourish the friendships that are now more distant and therefore require more effort.

Did anything in your reflection surprise you? Are there any people in your life who you wish were in your 5, but aren’t currently?

Your friend,
Laura

p.s.: What are you reading right now? I finished listening to Brené Brown’s books Daring Greatly and Dare to Lead and have just started listening to Humanly Possible by Sarah Bakewell. Has anyone read or listened to any of these? What were your thoughts?